Survivors and the Zombies They've Survived

Please check out the new Survivors of the Undead Plague website. The new audio clip is tops.

October brings another round of head-smashing, zombie improv as Damian, Troy and myself join Creature Feature at the Brave New Workshop in Uptown, MPLS in a double-bill of epically scary proportions. Check it.

It's gonna get ugly... in an awesome way.

I Cannot Escape Renee Zellweger. She Is Everywhere.

I cannot escape Renee Zellweger. Today alone, I came across two more things on which she is peeing. I mean... I'll give her props for Bridget Jones' Diary and Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason as she is cast well as a funny looking woman, but everything else? Blech!

I've also realized the first time I didn't like her in a movie. It was Me, Myself and Irene. I really enjoyed that movie... except her.

Here is a horror movie she is doing. At least she is frightened in this movie. That brings me great joy.
http://www.filmshaft.com/thrilling-trailer-for-case-39/

This will be the last entry on Renee Zellweger. Though I thoroughly dislike her, I try not to be mean-spirited. I think I've reached the point where I say to myself, "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all."

But, if she ends up in a movie that I'm genuinely excited about, I will be forced to complain again. If she touches any zombie-related films, I will eat her brains.

Renee Zellweger Sucks and District 9 Does Not

You've probably heard the buzz about the new sci-fi thriller District 9. You've heard that it is a social commentary on apartheid, aptly set in Johannesburg, South Africa. You've heard that they didn't spend hundreds of millions of dollars like most summer blockbusters. You've heard it's good. Right? Did you hear that it's good? Beacuse it is good. I usually wouldn't blog about a movie I saw unless it really struck a chord and this one does. So did New In Town. But, New in Town struck the wrong chord and I fucking hate Renee Zellweger.

But, I digress. District 9 started well and ended well. The special effects were top notch and I found myself invested in the characters very early on. There have been a rash of great movies this summer and more are set to be released soon (i.e. Inglorious Basterds), but I certainly recommend District 9 for everyone. There is a bit of gore, but it certainly doesn't overshadow the story.

Tonight: Donny Dirk's Zombie Den.

A Zombie Den? Yes, please.

Most people know I love everything zombie. With that being said, I am excited to share my knowledge of a new bar in Minneapolis that is zombie-themed. It is Donny Dirk's Zombie Den. Now, you might be hesitant to visit just such a place because of the threat zombies pose, however, do not let this deter you. The zombie apocalypse has yet to arrive, so in the mean time, enjoy this fancy new bar in North Minneapolis (NoMi).

With bartenders decked out in "Shaun of the Dead" threads and waitresses wearing long black gowns, I am giddy with excitement. As I am sure there are themed drinks and kitsch, I will surely post again to tell of my travels to this undead pub from the same lass who brought you Psycho Suzi's in NordEast. Who's going with me?

I Can Haz Cheezburger, Morty?

Every great once in a while you find a real gem on the internet. My friend and fellow improvisor, Jill Bernard, got me a little hooked I Can Has Cheezburger, or LOLCats, and I've come across several awesome ones, but nothing compares to this:

This could be the oldest LOLCat ever. It is a captioned cat photo from 1905.

I love the internet.

Playlists and Fountains of Wayne

As I wade through the list of things to do today at work, I am comforted only by a new playlist I've made for Clifford. I wanted to remind myself how easy life used to be. What better way to do so than create a playlist of songs I remember from middle school. Here's the list:

Superdrag - "Sucked Out"
Cornershop - "Brimful of Asha"
Bush - "Swallowed"
Silverchair - "Tomorrow"
Toadies - "Possum Kingdom"
Filter - "Hey Man, Nice Shot"
System of a Down - "Spiders"
Candlebox - "Far Behind"
Orgy - "Blue Monday"
Monster Magnet - "Space Lord"
Radiohead - "High and Dry"
Butthole Surfers - "Pepper"
Stabbing Westward - "Save Yourself"
Local H - "Bound for the Floor"
Alice in Chains - "Rooster"
Soundgarden - "Burden In My Hand"
Smashing Pumpkins - "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"
Nine Inch Nails - "The Perfect Drug"
Pearl Jam - "Evenflow"
Rage Against the Machine - "Bulls on Parade"
The Deftones - "Change (in the House of Flies)"

All in all, I'm pretty pleased with the list. Of course, there could be additions. If there are any songs that remind you of this era gone by, let me know. One that I've left off was the first song I ever heard by Fountains of Wayne, "Radiation Vibe." I love that Fountains of Wayne won the best new artist award at the MTV music awards in 2003, 7 years after they released their first album with "Radiation Vibe." Oh, MTV. You've single-handedly helped and ruined popular music. Well done.

The Big Red iPod and Deep Thoughts

I'd like to welcome a new addition to the Hellendrung family: Clifford.

Clifford is my new iPod nano. I purchased him after my 2nd Generation iPod, named Tylop, passed away on Friday at work. The last song to play on Tylop was Glen Hansard's "Say It To Me Now" from the Once Soundtrack. Interestingly enough, as if my iPod were some strange form of Bumblebee from Transformers, only able to speak through song, the final words echoed, "so if you have something to say... say it to me now." I didn't even realize that my iPod was so emotionally attached.

But, death offers the promise of new life. And I now have a lovely little guy named Clifford. Named after the big red dog of the same name. Something inside of me hoped that the first song that played would be something monumental, telling of the start of something new and gorgeous. Sadly, the first song played was "Stronger" by Kanye West. I couldn't find a deeper meaning because I was dancing.

Racist Boycotts and the First Demerit

There's no question that President Obama has changed the world. He's been progressive and outspoken and brilliant in so many ways, but I have to give him his first demerit for boycotting the U.N. conference on racism.



Of all things Obama could boycott, it would seem that racism would be near the bottom of the list. It's a bit ironic, to be truthful. However, the US government decided to back out because of the criticism of Israel. I don't condone anti-Semitism by any means, but let's be honest... Israel is being a bully. And if Hamas pushes back in any way, they're only met out by the bike rack after school with brass knuckles, a butterfly knife and the support of the school board. Establishing a Jewish state is not racist. Establishing a Jewish state by force and hurting others in the process is. Hamas is far from innocent, but you get the point.

To decide not to attend based on one or two issues is pretty disgusting. There are a lot more issues that need to be tackled in the developing world, Mr. President. I understand that some people will attend who are clearly whackjobs... *cough*Ahmadinejad*cough*... but does that mean we avoid the topic of racism completely? No.

Taxes and Somali Pirates

Doing your taxes 2 days before they are due is a really bad idea. Here's a short list as to why this is true:

1. The two and a half months of not doing your taxes will lead you to believe you're about to get a big return, when, in fact, you will only get pennies back from the government.
2. TaxAct.com will keep asking you if you have children and despite you clicking "Single," they believe you are lying or have adopted a child that maybe you've forgotten about.
3. Everyone and their mother is on TaxAct.com making the loading time between questions anywhere from 2 to 4 minutes. That loading time will make you believe that an important question is coming, but it will only be another question about your forgotten adopted child.
4. The IRS call line to retrieve your prior years' PIN is busy. Agent 02020389 doesn't want to help you anymore because you've waited too long.

So, it wasn't a terrible time, but it wasn't a walk in the park. All in all, they're done and I don't have to pay in this year. Cue the sigh of relief.

On a lighter note, those pirates got sk-doosh'd. 3 shots and 3 pirates down. I'm happy the sea captain who gave himself up to let his crew go free made it out alive. I can see this turning into a made-for-TV movie. I would call it, Somali Pirate Adventure: Hostage on the High Seas.

Cars and Splendid Things That Are Not Cars

I'm considering the purchase of a new car. I want something weird. Nothing like the stupid Pontiac Aztec though.

This is an obvious bad choice for a vehicle name, being that I've always associated the Aztec people with human sacrifice. Of course, they had their moments in arcitecture and spiritual beliefs, but when you kill to appease anything, you're doing something wrong.

Ok... moving right along. Here are my three choices for a new vehicle.

First up, the Nissan Cube. It's a bit like a mini delivery truck, but I've always liked Nissans and this one is weird enough to catch my eye. Haven't been able to test drive yet, but will soon. Aptly named, the Cube is something I'm definitely interested in driving. The rear hatch opens out. I'm confused by that, but I kind of like it. I assume it will prove futile in some parking lot situation. We shall see.

Next up is the Kia Soul. Now, I'll be honest. I don't trust Kia. It's a division of Hyundai and that's great, but when they first hit the market, they had terrible safety ratings. They've since fixed that problem, but I now wonder what they overlooked when focusing on the safety of vehicles. I drove this on Thursday in Minnetonka and got a good feel for it. Nice car. Nothing spectacular, but the hatch opens up instead of out like the Cube. That's a definite plus.

Finally, the Scion xD. This drives better than the Soul, to be sure, but my roommate just bought one and I even though I won't be living with her for much longer, I feel like if she drives one, I can't drive one. Great standard equipment on the xD makes it worth looking at, but the fact that it's a Toyota product means they can jack the price up and keep it there without too many complaints from consumers. It's in the running, but the weirdness factor on the Cube and Soul are slowly moving ahead. It's like the tortoise and the hare... except there are two tortoises and the hare is not as big a jerk as he is in the original tale.

So, weigh in, folks. What do you think?

And finally, go see Splendid Things on Monday night at the Bryant-Lake Bowl. They put on a weekly improv show that kills me. This week features special guests, The Mustache Rangers. It's gonna be killer boots. Go here.... now.

'til next time.

Why? (and Five Songs)

It's funny that it took me until high school to realize why I listen to music. It's not that I hadn't listened to music, in fact, I listened to a lot of music, but I didn't have that introspective moment where I asked "why?" until a high school friend, Greg Wachman, explained to me why he listened to Icelandic metal. It's not that it was the most beautiful music in the world... it was just that it elicited some emotion. He was steadfast in his reasoning and it made a huge impact. Here are five songs that make me extremely happy.

Gui Boratto - Beautiful Life (from the Chromophobia LP)
I downloaded this song by chance. And it was about a minute into the song when the electronic snare stops, the driving synth hushes and all is calm before the storm swells again that I realized I was just made happy by the music. Whatever thoughts were running through my head at the time were wiped away and this song took the driver's seat. A truly beautiful song.

Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla (from the Takk... LP)
I associate this song with Dublin, fair city. My roommate Aram lent me this recent purchase (at the time) and this song became the soundtrack of the best experience of my life. I remember it accompanying me on rainy morning walks to the Gaiety School of Acting and a sunny day on Inis Mor. This song will forever remind me of that trip.

Superdrag - Sucked Out (from the Regretfully Yours LP)
In respect to the current average life span, I'm young. A mere quarter century in existence. But, even though I'm aware of how lucky I am to be young and healthy, I know full well that life at 13 was awesome. I mowed lawns in the summer for cash and listened to so much music, it was ridiculous. This song was on constantly. Lovely.

The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes (from the Give Up LP)
There's just something that I love about Ben Gibbard's voice and this upbeat electro-pop song about something as scary as what I assumed to be the devastation of nuclear war. The dichotomy kills me... in a good way.

The Go! Team - Get It Together (from the Thunder, Lightning, Strike LP)
Heavy melodica on this one. Distorted drums and cheerleader-type chants make this such a joy to listen to. Also, at the end of the track, a DJ breaks it down. I'm not sure why, but I also associate this with song with an improv project in which I took part and of which I have only fond memories.


'til next time.

Google News Fail and DisneyWorld

It was inevitable. I knew I would slow my blogging eventually, I just didn't know it would come to a screeching halt for almost two months. For that, I apologize.

Now... let's get started.

Please note the news stories that Google finds improtant this morning. Earthquake death toll: sad, but news. Dead soldiers returning: sad, but news. Freeze warning in Dallas: shut the f*ck up.

When I stepped outside this morning, it was 31 degrees and I wore my light spring jacket. Where's the human interest story about how I survived the "frigid" temperatures, Google? Where is it? I don't see it. You know why I don't see it, Google? Well, I'll tell you why.

It's not news.

I'm changing topics, so my blood doesn't boil. Epic fail, Google. Epic fail.

On a lighter note, I'm going to DisneyWorld! Yes, Pegatron and I are coming up on the ol' 1-year anniversary of meeting each other and the realization that life before knowing each other was not as cool. So, to celebrate, we have frequent-flyered our plane tickets and Hotwire.com'd our hotel rooms. We're set to travel and I couldn't be more excited. 2 days at Disney. 1 day at Universal. 2 days at Daytona Beach. Move over SuperBowl MVP's because it is my turn to yell, "I'm going to DisneyWorld!"

'til next time.

V-Day and Movies Movies Movies

I conquered three new movies this week. Well done, Tim. Well done.

The first I took in was part of my Valentine's Day festival with Pegatron. It was a lovely day that started with coffee and a heart-shaped box of chocolates and ended with a beer at Grumpy's near Downtown. Before partaking in a Valentine's Day Prix Fixe at Spill the Wine, Pegatron and I went to see the latest Hollywood sensation, Slumdog Millionaire. Of course you'll ask if it is as good as everyone says it is and I can say with a happy heart: yes. It was brilliant. All good movies come to an end, however, so Tuesday evening I found myself watching Appaloosa.

Not only did this western pale in comparison to Slumdog, but I found myself complaining about how slow the movie was... to myself. That's fucking pathetic. Also, I was horrified to find that a great cast of Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen and Jeremy Irons would soon be ruined by the appearance of, none other than, Renee Zellweger. Dammit! That bitch just won't quit.

Finally, this evening, I treated myself to the Apatow production of Pineapple Express. It was exactly what one would expect: dick jokes followed by apologies. Maybe if I smoked weed it would've been hilarious, but it was mediocre and didn't hold a candle to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It wasn't all bad, however. I laughed aloud when Seth Rogen's character attempted to place part of his ear back on. Hideous, but delightfully charming.

And to back track a little, I should mention that my Valentine's outing was killer boots, to be sure. I'm head over heels for Pegatron. I wish everyone could be this happy.

'til next time.

I made this movie.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #4

Whoa! Sorry it took so long for me to update the "weekly" thought bubble contest. I usually update this at work, but now they've blocked the website I use to upload pictures and I've also actually been working at work. It's something I'm getting used to. Congratulations to Minnesota_Man for winning the last contest. I don't know your real name, so you'll have to let me know somehow so I can give/send you your prize, the mental_floss Instant Knowledge book!

Here's the latest Weekly Thought Bubble Contest:

Happy bubbling!

Friday the 13th and Boats

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Everytime we land on Friday the 13th, some horror movie is released in theatres to remind us how scary this world can be, offering sociopaths around the world ways to murder teenagers. I can honestly say that I don't suffer from paraskavedekatriaphobia, fear of Friday the 13th, but I do know that I suffer from fear of movies released on Friday the 13th, which doesn't have a long name, unfortunately.

Scary movies are stupid. I can honestly say I've enjoyed two scary movies in my entire life: Jaws and The Ring. I've seen many others, but I am so very close to urinating during each movie that I fail to see the joy. For instance, last year I went to The Strangers with a friend. I was waiting for it to end from the get-go. I would often wave my hand in front of my face to remind myself that this is just a movie and I am in complete control. There is no reason we should "enjoy" the murder of helpless victims. Worse yet was the fact that the movie was based on true events. So, millions of people are paying to watch a re-creation of some couples' horrific end. Why is that OK? It's not. You are a terrible person for enjoying horror movies.

I challenge everyone to buck up and watch movies other than scary ones on this Friday the 13th. And when we have another Friday the 13th in March and another in November of this year, please just pass up the scary movies and see the lastest 3D animated adventure.

And to get our mind off of the release of the remake of Friday the 13th with everyone's favorite hockey-masked asshole, Jason Voorhees, I've posted my new favorite music video:

I'm On A Boat

New in Town and Renee Zellweger's Face

This may come as a bit of surprise, but I hate Renee Zellweger.

After three dirty martinis at a downtown Minneapolis establishment this past Friday, I blurted out to Pegatron that we should visit my parents. No less than 48 hours later, we were on the road to visit New Ulm. It was a nice surprise for my mom and my dad was more than happy to supply us with authentic Mexican fare to reward us for the long haul from Eastern to South Central Minnesota. The pollo was good, the conversation was light and soon we were off to see the first big budget movie set in our lovely rural hamlet, New in Town.

The story was bad, but even worse was the acting of Renee Zellweger. Zellweger fails at this unbelievably simplistic character. Also, to be honest, she's got a weird face and I don't want to look at it anymore. In addition, I couldn't understand how this corporate executive could lack common sense. My cubicle neighbor recently visited Thailand and didn't bring a coat. You know why? She has a fucking clue. Thailand is warm. Hell, it's downright hot. So, why bring a coat, right? Same goes for you, Renee Zellweger's character. You're going to live in Minnesota during the Winter months. Bring a coat. Don't be an ignoramus. Ms. Zellweger was imbecilic at best. I got my parents to go and see a movie for the first time since Toy Story and this is the shit you serve up? Fuck you, Zellweger.

Now, I know this movie was meant to be a comedy and people loved Fargo with it's ridiculous Northern Minnesota characters, but really? I've never felt more like a country bumpkin than I did leaving that theatre. Sure, we have the stereotypical, down-home buffoons in New Ulm and some of them end up at the 3M, Kraft or AMPI plants for employment. However, there are a similar amount of simpletons in the Twin Cities and everywhere else, in fact. Also, this movie was shot in some Canadian town, so the real city of New Ulm didn't even get props while they were being destroyed by Hollywood. Yeah, they mention a local landmark (the Glockenspiel) once at the beginning of the film while the women "scrap," but after that, it's all rural cliches and old-timey gags. Even JK Simmons couldn't save this one.

Rather than buying a ticket to this movie, just fill up the car with gas and visit New Ulm. I fear that if you see New in Town, you'll never, ever visit.

Staycations and TV Shows About Lying

The weekend is upon us and I must say I am truly excited for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be taking part in my first ever STAYcation! That's right, folks, Tim doesn't need extravagant locales to entertain him. He doesn't need floating bars or the famed piña colada under palm trees. He doesn't need Mickey or Minnie. No... Tim only needs a hotel in Downtown Minneapolis and a desire to stay there.

Pegatron and I are hitting up the downtown scene for the evening and it'll surely be a thrill. A person can really tell when they care for someone if they are willing (and excited) to be a part of a staycation. Wish us luck. We will be drinking fancy beer from my favorite beer store and hopefully watching anywhere from 20-30 minutes of The Weather Channel.

I will also be watching Pegatron's facial expressions and asking difficult questions to see if I can spot lying. Why, you ask? Well, I am hooked on the new TV show "Lie to Me" with Tim Roth. Mr. Roth is a major reason I enjoy the show, but certainly not the only reason. The show focuses on the intricacies of human reactions and how to use said intricacies to beat someone down in a criminal investigation! Glorious.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #3

Congratulations to my friend Tim for winning the thought bubble contest last week. He'll be receiving Voltaire's Candide. Being that this is a weekly thought bubble contest, the prizes won't be extravagant... OR WILL THEY?

Here's the new picture!


Please leave a comment for this week's picture with the thought bubbles of players #41 and #51.

Happy bubbling!

Zombie Hacks

So, as many of you know, I love all things zombie. I'm scared of most traditional monsters like vampires, werewolves and anything that crawls out of a well on TV and through the screen into your living room. However, zombies have never scared me. I was thrilled to read this article about a hacker who felt the need to warn of the zombie apocalypse.

Construction signs warn of zombies
Hackers change public safety message
Shannon Wolfson

AUSTIN (KXAN) - Austin drivers making their morning commute were in for a surprise when two road signs on a busy stretch of road were taken over by hackers. The signs near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards usually warn drivers about upcoming construction, but Monday morning they warned of "zombies ahead."

"I thought it was pretty funny," said University of Texas sophomore Jane Shin, who saw the signs while driving down Lamar Bouelvard with friends Sunday night. "We wondered who did it."

The City of Austin does not own the signs, but they are responsible for the message. The contractor on the construction project owns the signs. A city spokesperson said the hacked messages were only up for a few hours, until the construction project manager saw them during his morning commute and immediately ordered them to be changed back.

"Even though this may seem amusing to a lot of people, this is really serious, and it is a crime," said Austin Public Works spokesperson Sara Hartley. "And you can be indicted for it, and we want to make sure our traffic on the raodways stays safe."

Hartley said though it was a locked sign, the padlock for it was cut. Signs such as these have a computer inside that is password-protected. "And so they had to break in and hack into the computer to do it, so they were pretty determined," said Hartley.

This crime is a class C misdemeanor in Texas, and Hartley said it endangers the public.

"The big problem is public safety," said Hartley. "Those signs are out there to help our traffic on the roadway to stay safe and to know what's coming up."

KXAN Austin News cameras caught many drivers slowing down to read the signs as they approached. Some read, "Zombies ahead! Run for your lives!"

Hartley said the city will discuss more secure safety measures with the manufacturer of the signs.

God bless you, hackers. Though you may make our roadways unsafe for a limited amount of time, you make the world a better place as a whole. Thank you.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #2

You know the rules. You could win a prize by leaving thought bubbles for one or both of those in the picture.

A Letter to Sid Ganis and the Oscar Nominations

Dear Sid Ganis - President of the Academy,

Your excitement for the Academy Award nominations this morning was contagious. If the Academy Awards are anything like the nomination ceremony, then we're all in for a real treat. I could barely contain myself because of the happiness and elation you exuded for your own awards. Thank you for a thrilling morning.

Sincerely,

Tim Hellendrung

If anyone says they're excited for the Academy Awards, they are either lying or have spent well over $200 on movies in the last 2 months. Most of the categories are pretty lackluster, to say the least. Though I am excited about a few of the nods. Here are my favorites. They are, by no means, Oscar predictions. They are just notable nominations in my humble eyes.

Actor in a Leading Role - Sean Penn - Milk

Has anyone ever been let down by Sean Penn? No. See Milk. It is amazing. Also, see Mystic River. And I Am Sam. And Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Actor in a Supporting Role - Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder

The movie was decent. It was exactly what I expected. But, RDJ was phenomenal. And three cheers for the Academy recognizing an actor in a comedy.

Documentary Feature - Man on Wire

An almost perfect film. It's a film that offers more talking points after the film than most I've watched recently. Also, there was no mention of the attacks on the World Trade Center. They didn't need to, so they didn't.

Makeup - Hellboy II: The Golden Army

How about some props for making Ron Perlman red with horns? Done.

Best Picture - The Dark Knight

Gotcha. It's not actually up for Best Picture and I'm glad it isn't. It's good, but not Best Picture sort of good.

Original Screenplay - In Bruges

I love that this was nominated for something. It deserves some praise, at least. I haven't seen a movie end with everything wrapped up so neatly in... oh... EVER.

Keep your eyes peeled for my Oscar prediction blog. It'll be great.

A New President and an Anecdote.

Day 1 of life under President Barack Obama. I adore the fact that he can talk and make everything better. Reall, that's all our President is supposed to do. He's hired to sound good and calm the nerves of all Americans. So far, so good.

An anecdote:

I used to work with a fellow named George*. George was likable enough, but not very well-spoken or "worldly." Soon, everyone knew how inept George was and word got to the upper management that George spent most of the day outside clearing brush from the company's property than at his desk doing real work. George got fired. I feel bad for George because he's probably too stupid to ever do anything productive, apart from clearing brush.

*George is, in no way, a representation of George W. Bush... cough, cough.

Puerto Rico and a Lack of Blogs

I've not blogged in the last week for 2 reasons:

1) I've been too busy at work
2) I was incredibly sad that not one person participated in the Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest. Did you know the prize was a Barack Obama action figure? Too late. He stays with me.

Enough complaining. Pass me the Piña Colada! That's right, folks. I'm heading to Puerto Rico! I'm not going anytime soon, but I'm very excited. We're talking Publisher's-Clearinghouse-winner-excited here. At some point, this fall, I'll be sitting with Pegatron at the Caribe Hilton Hotel or the Barrachina in old San Juan sipping on the offical beverage of Puerto Rico, the Piña Colada.

Here's a rough outline of my daily schedule in Puerto Rico:

9:30am - Wake up due to a cool, ocean breeze.
10:00am - Shower in warm Puerto Rican water.
10:08am - Arrive on beach, most likely right outside the hotel room.
11:08am - Turn.
12:00pm - Visit a local "kiosko" for the alcapurria.
12:02pm - Num num num num.
12:12pm - Borrow machete to open coconut.
12:18pm - Drink water from coconut.
12:35pm - Return to beach.
1:35pm - Turn.
2:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:30pm - Return to beach.
4:32pm - Swim.
5:00pm - Return to hotel.
5:10pm - Shower is warm Puerto Rican water.
6:00pm - Eat arroz con pollo or pollo fundido at local restaurant.
7:00pm - Quickly learn how to salsa dance.
7:18pm - Give up on salsa dancing.
7:19pm - Flail arms wildly to beat of salsa music.
7:21pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:35pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:55pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:15pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:18pm - Comment on how much I miss Raul Juliá and that Street Fighter wasn't that bad.
8:20pm - Try salsa dancing again.
9:30pm - Buy a round of Don Q Gran Añejo.
10:00pm - Return to beach.
11:00pm - Return to hotel.
12:00pm - Sleep.

There may be some other activities mixed in, but that would sum up a pretty wonderful day in Puerto Rico if I may say so.

Next step is buying the tickets. Oh, joy!

Powerball and Office Pools

In order to increase my chances of winning the Powerball tomorrow, I have taken a large step and actually purchased a Powerball ticket. I've done a mini-office pool with some folks around me and after taking the cash option, will hopefully be taking in about $11,000,000 after taxes.

Some people believe that purchasing a lottery ticket is not worthwhile because people so rarely win. I'll remember those people when I'm diving into my giant pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

How My Nose Got This Way and Other True Life Adventures

So, many moons ago, I was enjoying a weekend at a Boy Scout Religious Camporee. I was surrounded by friends and, of course, the Lord when one of us decided that after dinner we were all going to go outside and set up a mock WWF match. This made sense because God and professional wrestling had so many things in common. Ahem. Anyhoo, we got to it and soon I was crouched over and none other than Dan Brown - that sonuva bitch, Dan Brown - came over and kneed me in the face.

There was a crack and the blood from my nose flowed like the waters of the mighty Mississippi on it's long journey from Minnesota to Louisiana. Being that we were in the middle of a cornfield outside the town of Renville, we rushed as fast as we could to a local hospital. Well, "hospital" was stretching it as we had to wait a good 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive from his home. I almost bled out while that bastard finished his mashed potatoes.

After trying to stop the bleeding with different liquids, the doctor soon resorted to - what I assume is the final option - the Rhino Rocket. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life, but this could crack the top five, easily. I think one must equate the Rhino Rocket to sticking a tampon into an open would and waiting for it to expand just enough to make everything uncomfortable. Or imagine the comic book villain Rhino is running full speed toward you and you happen to be a giant nose.

The beauty of the Rhino Rocket was that not only do you feel like you have a tampon in your nasal cavity, but they complete the experience with a string hanging from your nose. The next day I was told to remove the nose tampon and found I was still bleeding. A touch of outside air soon clotted the wound, but the damage had been done. Ever since, I haven't been able to breathe well without using my mouth. I'm now a mouth breather.

However, a product recently entered my life that allows me to sleep at night without waking up in the morning needing to soak my tongue in water to rehydrate the cat-like textured flesh. It is the wonderful and ridiculously simple BreatheRight Nasal Strip.

GLORIOUS! Even though Dan Brown destroyed the cartilage in my nose, you have come to me, unafraid, reducing the night-time mouth-breathing and overall throat sounds that accompany night-time mouth-breathing. Thank you, BreatheRight Nasal Strip, thank you.

The Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest!

Starting this week, I will be posting a photo on Tuesdays that requires the addition of thought bubbles! So, feel free to add comments and every Monday, I'll pick my favorite and you'll win something. Hooray for prizes!

Resolutions and the Teaching Profession

Welcome to 2009, bitches.

New Year's Resolution: Clean my room.

Since I've never made a resolution before, I wanted to start off small. I quit smoking a week and a half before the new year began, so to say that would be my resolution is like saying my resolution is to wear boxers, something I started in, at least, 5th grade. I'm a little worried about the general organization of the things in my room, but I think I'll be ok. What a sense of accomplishment I'll feel when I complete that which I resolve to do.

On January 1st, I'm proud to say that I successfully wrote a check and did not forget to write 2009. Also, I find it a little easier to type 2009 because the zero is so close to the 9 on the keyboard. This is going to be a great year!

In major life news, I pretty much decided that I want to be a teacher. Granted, there are other things that I want to try my hand at before I croak, but for now I'll start to focus on how to make teaching happen. Not only do I want to inspire the next generation, but I also want to take away cell phones and have daily trivia challenges (to get your cell phone back). In the mean time, I will take cell phones from coworkers and ask ridiculously hard questions of my supervisors to prepare myself to the teaching profession.

'til next time.