So, many moons ago, I was enjoying a weekend at a Boy Scout Religious Camporee. I was surrounded by friends and, of course, the Lord when one of us decided that after dinner we were all going to go outside and set up a mock WWF match. This made sense because God and professional wrestling had so many things in common. Ahem. Anyhoo, we got to it and soon I was crouched over and none other than Dan Brown - that sonuva bitch, Dan Brown - came over and kneed me in the face.
There was a crack and the blood from my nose flowed like the waters of the mighty Mississippi on it's long journey from Minnesota to Louisiana. Being that we were in the middle of a cornfield outside the town of Renville, we rushed as fast as we could to a local hospital. Well, "hospital" was stretching it as we had to wait a good 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive from his home. I almost bled out while that bastard finished his mashed potatoes.
After trying to stop the bleeding with different liquids, the doctor soon resorted to - what I assume is the final option - the Rhino Rocket. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life, but this could crack the top five, easily. I think one must equate the Rhino Rocket to sticking a tampon into an open would and waiting for it to expand just enough to make everything uncomfortable. Or imagine the comic book villain Rhino is running full speed toward you and you happen to be a giant nose.
There was a crack and the blood from my nose flowed like the waters of the mighty Mississippi on it's long journey from Minnesota to Louisiana. Being that we were in the middle of a cornfield outside the town of Renville, we rushed as fast as we could to a local hospital. Well, "hospital" was stretching it as we had to wait a good 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive from his home. I almost bled out while that bastard finished his mashed potatoes.
After trying to stop the bleeding with different liquids, the doctor soon resorted to - what I assume is the final option - the Rhino Rocket. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life, but this could crack the top five, easily. I think one must equate the Rhino Rocket to sticking a tampon into an open would and waiting for it to expand just enough to make everything uncomfortable. Or imagine the comic book villain Rhino is running full speed toward you and you happen to be a giant nose.
The beauty of the Rhino Rocket was that not only do you feel like you have a tampon in your nasal cavity, but they complete the experience with a string hanging from your nose. The next day I was told to remove the nose tampon and found I was still bleeding. A touch of outside air soon clotted the wound, but the damage had been done. Ever since, I haven't been able to breathe well without using my mouth. I'm now a mouth breather.
However, a product recently entered my life that allows me to sleep at night without waking up in the morning needing to soak my tongue in water to rehydrate the cat-like textured flesh. It is the wonderful and ridiculously simple BreatheRight Nasal Strip.
However, a product recently entered my life that allows me to sleep at night without waking up in the morning needing to soak my tongue in water to rehydrate the cat-like textured flesh. It is the wonderful and ridiculously simple BreatheRight Nasal Strip.
GLORIOUS! Even though Dan Brown destroyed the cartilage in my nose, you have come to me, unafraid, reducing the night-time mouth-breathing and overall throat sounds that accompany night-time mouth-breathing. Thank you, BreatheRight Nasal Strip, thank you.
2 comments:
Dan Brown of "Davinci Code" fame?
I wish my nose were messed up because of whatever demons he was dealing with. Pun intended. No, it was a different Dan Brown.
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