Staycations and TV Shows About Lying

The weekend is upon us and I must say I am truly excited for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be taking part in my first ever STAYcation! That's right, folks, Tim doesn't need extravagant locales to entertain him. He doesn't need floating bars or the famed piña colada under palm trees. He doesn't need Mickey or Minnie. No... Tim only needs a hotel in Downtown Minneapolis and a desire to stay there.

Pegatron and I are hitting up the downtown scene for the evening and it'll surely be a thrill. A person can really tell when they care for someone if they are willing (and excited) to be a part of a staycation. Wish us luck. We will be drinking fancy beer from my favorite beer store and hopefully watching anywhere from 20-30 minutes of The Weather Channel.

I will also be watching Pegatron's facial expressions and asking difficult questions to see if I can spot lying. Why, you ask? Well, I am hooked on the new TV show "Lie to Me" with Tim Roth. Mr. Roth is a major reason I enjoy the show, but certainly not the only reason. The show focuses on the intricacies of human reactions and how to use said intricacies to beat someone down in a criminal investigation! Glorious.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #3

Congratulations to my friend Tim for winning the thought bubble contest last week. He'll be receiving Voltaire's Candide. Being that this is a weekly thought bubble contest, the prizes won't be extravagant... OR WILL THEY?

Here's the new picture!


Please leave a comment for this week's picture with the thought bubbles of players #41 and #51.

Happy bubbling!

Zombie Hacks

So, as many of you know, I love all things zombie. I'm scared of most traditional monsters like vampires, werewolves and anything that crawls out of a well on TV and through the screen into your living room. However, zombies have never scared me. I was thrilled to read this article about a hacker who felt the need to warn of the zombie apocalypse.

Construction signs warn of zombies
Hackers change public safety message
Shannon Wolfson

AUSTIN (KXAN) - Austin drivers making their morning commute were in for a surprise when two road signs on a busy stretch of road were taken over by hackers. The signs near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards usually warn drivers about upcoming construction, but Monday morning they warned of "zombies ahead."

"I thought it was pretty funny," said University of Texas sophomore Jane Shin, who saw the signs while driving down Lamar Bouelvard with friends Sunday night. "We wondered who did it."

The City of Austin does not own the signs, but they are responsible for the message. The contractor on the construction project owns the signs. A city spokesperson said the hacked messages were only up for a few hours, until the construction project manager saw them during his morning commute and immediately ordered them to be changed back.

"Even though this may seem amusing to a lot of people, this is really serious, and it is a crime," said Austin Public Works spokesperson Sara Hartley. "And you can be indicted for it, and we want to make sure our traffic on the raodways stays safe."

Hartley said though it was a locked sign, the padlock for it was cut. Signs such as these have a computer inside that is password-protected. "And so they had to break in and hack into the computer to do it, so they were pretty determined," said Hartley.

This crime is a class C misdemeanor in Texas, and Hartley said it endangers the public.

"The big problem is public safety," said Hartley. "Those signs are out there to help our traffic on the roadway to stay safe and to know what's coming up."

KXAN Austin News cameras caught many drivers slowing down to read the signs as they approached. Some read, "Zombies ahead! Run for your lives!"

Hartley said the city will discuss more secure safety measures with the manufacturer of the signs.

God bless you, hackers. Though you may make our roadways unsafe for a limited amount of time, you make the world a better place as a whole. Thank you.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #2

You know the rules. You could win a prize by leaving thought bubbles for one or both of those in the picture.

A Letter to Sid Ganis and the Oscar Nominations

Dear Sid Ganis - President of the Academy,

Your excitement for the Academy Award nominations this morning was contagious. If the Academy Awards are anything like the nomination ceremony, then we're all in for a real treat. I could barely contain myself because of the happiness and elation you exuded for your own awards. Thank you for a thrilling morning.

Sincerely,

Tim Hellendrung

If anyone says they're excited for the Academy Awards, they are either lying or have spent well over $200 on movies in the last 2 months. Most of the categories are pretty lackluster, to say the least. Though I am excited about a few of the nods. Here are my favorites. They are, by no means, Oscar predictions. They are just notable nominations in my humble eyes.

Actor in a Leading Role - Sean Penn - Milk

Has anyone ever been let down by Sean Penn? No. See Milk. It is amazing. Also, see Mystic River. And I Am Sam. And Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Actor in a Supporting Role - Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder

The movie was decent. It was exactly what I expected. But, RDJ was phenomenal. And three cheers for the Academy recognizing an actor in a comedy.

Documentary Feature - Man on Wire

An almost perfect film. It's a film that offers more talking points after the film than most I've watched recently. Also, there was no mention of the attacks on the World Trade Center. They didn't need to, so they didn't.

Makeup - Hellboy II: The Golden Army

How about some props for making Ron Perlman red with horns? Done.

Best Picture - The Dark Knight

Gotcha. It's not actually up for Best Picture and I'm glad it isn't. It's good, but not Best Picture sort of good.

Original Screenplay - In Bruges

I love that this was nominated for something. It deserves some praise, at least. I haven't seen a movie end with everything wrapped up so neatly in... oh... EVER.

Keep your eyes peeled for my Oscar prediction blog. It'll be great.

A New President and an Anecdote.

Day 1 of life under President Barack Obama. I adore the fact that he can talk and make everything better. Reall, that's all our President is supposed to do. He's hired to sound good and calm the nerves of all Americans. So far, so good.

An anecdote:

I used to work with a fellow named George*. George was likable enough, but not very well-spoken or "worldly." Soon, everyone knew how inept George was and word got to the upper management that George spent most of the day outside clearing brush from the company's property than at his desk doing real work. George got fired. I feel bad for George because he's probably too stupid to ever do anything productive, apart from clearing brush.

*George is, in no way, a representation of George W. Bush... cough, cough.

Puerto Rico and a Lack of Blogs

I've not blogged in the last week for 2 reasons:

1) I've been too busy at work
2) I was incredibly sad that not one person participated in the Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest. Did you know the prize was a Barack Obama action figure? Too late. He stays with me.

Enough complaining. Pass me the Piña Colada! That's right, folks. I'm heading to Puerto Rico! I'm not going anytime soon, but I'm very excited. We're talking Publisher's-Clearinghouse-winner-excited here. At some point, this fall, I'll be sitting with Pegatron at the Caribe Hilton Hotel or the Barrachina in old San Juan sipping on the offical beverage of Puerto Rico, the Piña Colada.

Here's a rough outline of my daily schedule in Puerto Rico:

9:30am - Wake up due to a cool, ocean breeze.
10:00am - Shower in warm Puerto Rican water.
10:08am - Arrive on beach, most likely right outside the hotel room.
11:08am - Turn.
12:00pm - Visit a local "kiosko" for the alcapurria.
12:02pm - Num num num num.
12:12pm - Borrow machete to open coconut.
12:18pm - Drink water from coconut.
12:35pm - Return to beach.
1:35pm - Turn.
2:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:30pm - Return to beach.
4:32pm - Swim.
5:00pm - Return to hotel.
5:10pm - Shower is warm Puerto Rican water.
6:00pm - Eat arroz con pollo or pollo fundido at local restaurant.
7:00pm - Quickly learn how to salsa dance.
7:18pm - Give up on salsa dancing.
7:19pm - Flail arms wildly to beat of salsa music.
7:21pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:35pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:55pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:15pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:18pm - Comment on how much I miss Raul Juliá and that Street Fighter wasn't that bad.
8:20pm - Try salsa dancing again.
9:30pm - Buy a round of Don Q Gran Añejo.
10:00pm - Return to beach.
11:00pm - Return to hotel.
12:00pm - Sleep.

There may be some other activities mixed in, but that would sum up a pretty wonderful day in Puerto Rico if I may say so.

Next step is buying the tickets. Oh, joy!

Powerball and Office Pools

In order to increase my chances of winning the Powerball tomorrow, I have taken a large step and actually purchased a Powerball ticket. I've done a mini-office pool with some folks around me and after taking the cash option, will hopefully be taking in about $11,000,000 after taxes.

Some people believe that purchasing a lottery ticket is not worthwhile because people so rarely win. I'll remember those people when I'm diving into my giant pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

How My Nose Got This Way and Other True Life Adventures

So, many moons ago, I was enjoying a weekend at a Boy Scout Religious Camporee. I was surrounded by friends and, of course, the Lord when one of us decided that after dinner we were all going to go outside and set up a mock WWF match. This made sense because God and professional wrestling had so many things in common. Ahem. Anyhoo, we got to it and soon I was crouched over and none other than Dan Brown - that sonuva bitch, Dan Brown - came over and kneed me in the face.

There was a crack and the blood from my nose flowed like the waters of the mighty Mississippi on it's long journey from Minnesota to Louisiana. Being that we were in the middle of a cornfield outside the town of Renville, we rushed as fast as we could to a local hospital. Well, "hospital" was stretching it as we had to wait a good 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive from his home. I almost bled out while that bastard finished his mashed potatoes.

After trying to stop the bleeding with different liquids, the doctor soon resorted to - what I assume is the final option - the Rhino Rocket. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life, but this could crack the top five, easily. I think one must equate the Rhino Rocket to sticking a tampon into an open would and waiting for it to expand just enough to make everything uncomfortable. Or imagine the comic book villain Rhino is running full speed toward you and you happen to be a giant nose.

The beauty of the Rhino Rocket was that not only do you feel like you have a tampon in your nasal cavity, but they complete the experience with a string hanging from your nose. The next day I was told to remove the nose tampon and found I was still bleeding. A touch of outside air soon clotted the wound, but the damage had been done. Ever since, I haven't been able to breathe well without using my mouth. I'm now a mouth breather.

However, a product recently entered my life that allows me to sleep at night without waking up in the morning needing to soak my tongue in water to rehydrate the cat-like textured flesh. It is the wonderful and ridiculously simple BreatheRight Nasal Strip.

GLORIOUS! Even though Dan Brown destroyed the cartilage in my nose, you have come to me, unafraid, reducing the night-time mouth-breathing and overall throat sounds that accompany night-time mouth-breathing. Thank you, BreatheRight Nasal Strip, thank you.

The Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest!

Starting this week, I will be posting a photo on Tuesdays that requires the addition of thought bubbles! So, feel free to add comments and every Monday, I'll pick my favorite and you'll win something. Hooray for prizes!

Resolutions and the Teaching Profession

Welcome to 2009, bitches.

New Year's Resolution: Clean my room.

Since I've never made a resolution before, I wanted to start off small. I quit smoking a week and a half before the new year began, so to say that would be my resolution is like saying my resolution is to wear boxers, something I started in, at least, 5th grade. I'm a little worried about the general organization of the things in my room, but I think I'll be ok. What a sense of accomplishment I'll feel when I complete that which I resolve to do.

On January 1st, I'm proud to say that I successfully wrote a check and did not forget to write 2009. Also, I find it a little easier to type 2009 because the zero is so close to the 9 on the keyboard. This is going to be a great year!

In major life news, I pretty much decided that I want to be a teacher. Granted, there are other things that I want to try my hand at before I croak, but for now I'll start to focus on how to make teaching happen. Not only do I want to inspire the next generation, but I also want to take away cell phones and have daily trivia challenges (to get your cell phone back). In the mean time, I will take cell phones from coworkers and ask ridiculously hard questions of my supervisors to prepare myself to the teaching profession.

'til next time.