A New President and an Anecdote.

Day 1 of life under President Barack Obama. I adore the fact that he can talk and make everything better. Reall, that's all our President is supposed to do. He's hired to sound good and calm the nerves of all Americans. So far, so good.

An anecdote:

I used to work with a fellow named George*. George was likable enough, but not very well-spoken or "worldly." Soon, everyone knew how inept George was and word got to the upper management that George spent most of the day outside clearing brush from the company's property than at his desk doing real work. George got fired. I feel bad for George because he's probably too stupid to ever do anything productive, apart from clearing brush.

*George is, in no way, a representation of George W. Bush... cough, cough.

Puerto Rico and a Lack of Blogs

I've not blogged in the last week for 2 reasons:

1) I've been too busy at work
2) I was incredibly sad that not one person participated in the Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest. Did you know the prize was a Barack Obama action figure? Too late. He stays with me.

Enough complaining. Pass me the Piña Colada! That's right, folks. I'm heading to Puerto Rico! I'm not going anytime soon, but I'm very excited. We're talking Publisher's-Clearinghouse-winner-excited here. At some point, this fall, I'll be sitting with Pegatron at the Caribe Hilton Hotel or the Barrachina in old San Juan sipping on the offical beverage of Puerto Rico, the Piña Colada.

Here's a rough outline of my daily schedule in Puerto Rico:

9:30am - Wake up due to a cool, ocean breeze.
10:00am - Shower in warm Puerto Rican water.
10:08am - Arrive on beach, most likely right outside the hotel room.
11:08am - Turn.
12:00pm - Visit a local "kiosko" for the alcapurria.
12:02pm - Num num num num.
12:12pm - Borrow machete to open coconut.
12:18pm - Drink water from coconut.
12:35pm - Return to beach.
1:35pm - Turn.
2:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
3:30pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:00pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
4:30pm - Return to beach.
4:32pm - Swim.
5:00pm - Return to hotel.
5:10pm - Shower is warm Puerto Rican water.
6:00pm - Eat arroz con pollo or pollo fundido at local restaurant.
7:00pm - Quickly learn how to salsa dance.
7:18pm - Give up on salsa dancing.
7:19pm - Flail arms wildly to beat of salsa music.
7:21pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:35pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
7:55pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:15pm - Order Medalla Light from local watering hole.
8:18pm - Comment on how much I miss Raul Juliá and that Street Fighter wasn't that bad.
8:20pm - Try salsa dancing again.
9:30pm - Buy a round of Don Q Gran Añejo.
10:00pm - Return to beach.
11:00pm - Return to hotel.
12:00pm - Sleep.

There may be some other activities mixed in, but that would sum up a pretty wonderful day in Puerto Rico if I may say so.

Next step is buying the tickets. Oh, joy!

Powerball and Office Pools

In order to increase my chances of winning the Powerball tomorrow, I have taken a large step and actually purchased a Powerball ticket. I've done a mini-office pool with some folks around me and after taking the cash option, will hopefully be taking in about $11,000,000 after taxes.

Some people believe that purchasing a lottery ticket is not worthwhile because people so rarely win. I'll remember those people when I'm diving into my giant pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

How My Nose Got This Way and Other True Life Adventures

So, many moons ago, I was enjoying a weekend at a Boy Scout Religious Camporee. I was surrounded by friends and, of course, the Lord when one of us decided that after dinner we were all going to go outside and set up a mock WWF match. This made sense because God and professional wrestling had so many things in common. Ahem. Anyhoo, we got to it and soon I was crouched over and none other than Dan Brown - that sonuva bitch, Dan Brown - came over and kneed me in the face.

There was a crack and the blood from my nose flowed like the waters of the mighty Mississippi on it's long journey from Minnesota to Louisiana. Being that we were in the middle of a cornfield outside the town of Renville, we rushed as fast as we could to a local hospital. Well, "hospital" was stretching it as we had to wait a good 20 minutes for the doctor to arrive from his home. I almost bled out while that bastard finished his mashed potatoes.

After trying to stop the bleeding with different liquids, the doctor soon resorted to - what I assume is the final option - the Rhino Rocket. I've had some unpleasant experiences in my life, but this could crack the top five, easily. I think one must equate the Rhino Rocket to sticking a tampon into an open would and waiting for it to expand just enough to make everything uncomfortable. Or imagine the comic book villain Rhino is running full speed toward you and you happen to be a giant nose.

The beauty of the Rhino Rocket was that not only do you feel like you have a tampon in your nasal cavity, but they complete the experience with a string hanging from your nose. The next day I was told to remove the nose tampon and found I was still bleeding. A touch of outside air soon clotted the wound, but the damage had been done. Ever since, I haven't been able to breathe well without using my mouth. I'm now a mouth breather.

However, a product recently entered my life that allows me to sleep at night without waking up in the morning needing to soak my tongue in water to rehydrate the cat-like textured flesh. It is the wonderful and ridiculously simple BreatheRight Nasal Strip.

GLORIOUS! Even though Dan Brown destroyed the cartilage in my nose, you have come to me, unafraid, reducing the night-time mouth-breathing and overall throat sounds that accompany night-time mouth-breathing. Thank you, BreatheRight Nasal Strip, thank you.

The Inaugural Weekly Thought Bubble Contest!

Starting this week, I will be posting a photo on Tuesdays that requires the addition of thought bubbles! So, feel free to add comments and every Monday, I'll pick my favorite and you'll win something. Hooray for prizes!

Resolutions and the Teaching Profession

Welcome to 2009, bitches.

New Year's Resolution: Clean my room.

Since I've never made a resolution before, I wanted to start off small. I quit smoking a week and a half before the new year began, so to say that would be my resolution is like saying my resolution is to wear boxers, something I started in, at least, 5th grade. I'm a little worried about the general organization of the things in my room, but I think I'll be ok. What a sense of accomplishment I'll feel when I complete that which I resolve to do.

On January 1st, I'm proud to say that I successfully wrote a check and did not forget to write 2009. Also, I find it a little easier to type 2009 because the zero is so close to the 9 on the keyboard. This is going to be a great year!

In major life news, I pretty much decided that I want to be a teacher. Granted, there are other things that I want to try my hand at before I croak, but for now I'll start to focus on how to make teaching happen. Not only do I want to inspire the next generation, but I also want to take away cell phones and have daily trivia challenges (to get your cell phone back). In the mean time, I will take cell phones from coworkers and ask ridiculously hard questions of my supervisors to prepare myself to the teaching profession.

'til next time.

Beer and a Happy New Year

New Year's Eve! That means Christmas has come and gone for another year. The jolly holiday filled me with joy and Swedish meatballs and I'm happy to say, for the first time on Christmas, I received beer as a present. Beer is the perfect present. Here's why...

1. Beer allows you to drink and be merry, as we are often told to do by old timey advertisements.
2. Prices for beer are different at almost every liquor store, so you'll never know how much the gift-giver spent on you.
3. Beer can be a multi-ethnic experience. I received a sampler and the first beer I tried was Brazilian. I've never been to Brazil, but now MY MOUTH HAS! That's not all! The beer I drank was called Xingu Black Beer and by purchasing the lovely beverage, the gift-giver helped protect the Xingu River, a symbol of biological and cultural diversity, as the brewery gives to the Y Ikatu Xingu foundation.
4. It's beer. Num num num num.

Not only did I get beer, but I also got a gift card for more beer. Christmas gets better and better every year.

I would like to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! May all your resolutions work out. May all your hangovers tomorrow morning be short. May unicorns come back to life and may we never see the creation of the Bear Shark.