Tuesday, February 17, 2009

V-Day and Movies Movies Movies

I conquered three new movies this week. Well done, Tim. Well done.

The first I took in was part of my Valentine's Day festival with Pegatron. It was a lovely day that started with coffee and a heart-shaped box of chocolates and ended with a beer at Grumpy's near Downtown. Before partaking in a Valentine's Day Prix Fixe at Spill the Wine, Pegatron and I went to see the latest Hollywood sensation, Slumdog Millionaire. Of course you'll ask if it is as good as everyone says it is and I can say with a happy heart: yes. It was brilliant. All good movies come to an end, however, so Tuesday evening I found myself watching Appaloosa.

Not only did this western pale in comparison to Slumdog, but I found myself complaining about how slow the movie was... to myself. That's fucking pathetic. Also, I was horrified to find that a great cast of Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen and Jeremy Irons would soon be ruined by the appearance of, none other than, Renee Zellweger. Dammit! That bitch just won't quit.

Finally, this evening, I treated myself to the Apatow production of Pineapple Express. It was exactly what one would expect: dick jokes followed by apologies. Maybe if I smoked weed it would've been hilarious, but it was mediocre and didn't hold a candle to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It wasn't all bad, however. I laughed aloud when Seth Rogen's character attempted to place part of his ear back on. Hideous, but delightfully charming.

And to back track a little, I should mention that my Valentine's outing was killer boots, to be sure. I'm head over heels for Pegatron. I wish everyone could be this happy.

'til next time.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I made this movie.

Weekly Thought Bubble Contest #4

Whoa! Sorry it took so long for me to update the "weekly" thought bubble contest. I usually update this at work, but now they've blocked the website I use to upload pictures and I've also actually been working at work. It's something I'm getting used to. Congratulations to Minnesota_Man for winning the last contest. I don't know your real name, so you'll have to let me know somehow so I can give/send you your prize, the mental_floss Instant Knowledge book!

Here's the latest Weekly Thought Bubble Contest:

Happy bubbling!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th and Boats

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Everytime we land on Friday the 13th, some horror movie is released in theatres to remind us how scary this world can be, offering sociopaths around the world ways to murder teenagers. I can honestly say that I don't suffer from paraskavedekatriaphobia, fear of Friday the 13th, but I do know that I suffer from fear of movies released on Friday the 13th, which doesn't have a long name, unfortunately.

Scary movies are stupid. I can honestly say I've enjoyed two scary movies in my entire life: Jaws and The Ring. I've seen many others, but I am so very close to urinating during each movie that I fail to see the joy. For instance, last year I went to The Strangers with a friend. I was waiting for it to end from the get-go. I would often wave my hand in front of my face to remind myself that this is just a movie and I am in complete control. There is no reason we should "enjoy" the murder of helpless victims. Worse yet was the fact that the movie was based on true events. So, millions of people are paying to watch a re-creation of some couples' horrific end. Why is that OK? It's not. You are a terrible person for enjoying horror movies.

I challenge everyone to buck up and watch movies other than scary ones on this Friday the 13th. And when we have another Friday the 13th in March and another in November of this year, please just pass up the scary movies and see the lastest 3D animated adventure.

And to get our mind off of the release of the remake of Friday the 13th with everyone's favorite hockey-masked asshole, Jason Voorhees, I've posted my new favorite music video:

I'm On A Boat

Thursday, February 5, 2009

New in Town and Renee Zellweger's Face

This may come as a bit of surprise, but I hate Renee Zellweger.

After three dirty martinis at a downtown Minneapolis establishment this past Friday, I blurted out to Pegatron that we should visit my parents. No less than 48 hours later, we were on the road to visit New Ulm. It was a nice surprise for my mom and my dad was more than happy to supply us with authentic Mexican fare to reward us for the long haul from Eastern to South Central Minnesota. The pollo was good, the conversation was light and soon we were off to see the first big budget movie set in our lovely rural hamlet, New in Town.

The story was bad, but even worse was the acting of Renee Zellweger. Zellweger fails at this unbelievably simplistic character. Also, to be honest, she's got a weird face and I don't want to look at it anymore. In addition, I couldn't understand how this corporate executive could lack common sense. My cubicle neighbor recently visited Thailand and didn't bring a coat. You know why? She has a fucking clue. Thailand is warm. Hell, it's downright hot. So, why bring a coat, right? Same goes for you, Renee Zellweger's character. You're going to live in Minnesota during the Winter months. Bring a coat. Don't be an ignoramus. Ms. Zellweger was imbecilic at best. I got my parents to go and see a movie for the first time since Toy Story and this is the shit you serve up? Fuck you, Zellweger.

Now, I know this movie was meant to be a comedy and people loved Fargo with it's ridiculous Northern Minnesota characters, but really? I've never felt more like a country bumpkin than I did leaving that theatre. Sure, we have the stereotypical, down-home buffoons in New Ulm and some of them end up at the 3M, Kraft or AMPI plants for employment. However, there are a similar amount of simpletons in the Twin Cities and everywhere else, in fact. Also, this movie was shot in some Canadian town, so the real city of New Ulm didn't even get props while they were being destroyed by Hollywood. Yeah, they mention a local landmark (the Glockenspiel) once at the beginning of the film while the women "scrap," but after that, it's all rural cliches and old-timey gags. Even JK Simmons couldn't save this one.

Rather than buying a ticket to this movie, just fill up the car with gas and visit New Ulm. I fear that if you see New in Town, you'll never, ever visit.